Why does depression rule my heart?
There is a pain in my heart that does not cease. Is it the pangs of depression, or the self-loathing I hold so deep within? I cannot stand to be alone because it means that I must face myself. I want to make it out alive. I know that life ends in death, but I want to go feeling like I lived. I don’t want to spend my days cooped up, hating every fiber of my existence. Subconsciously, and consciously, I know that I am valuable. Yet, I cannot seem to swallow this reality. How can I, out of the millions of people on Earth, be of value? My head convinces me that I am but a grain of sand on the coast. It seems as if I am at war with myself and the world around me. I want to love it and live in it, but my heart continually denies me the freedom to love and be loved by whomever. Where do I go from here? How do I go from here?
This morning I woke up without that sinking feeling in my chest. I woke up glad that I had another day ahead of me. Every new day marks one step closer to finding myself. Yesterday, after work, I felt sad because that was when I usually went to his house. But instead of being sad that I can’t go there anymore, I should be happy that I get to spend more time at home. I need to remind myself that this is an opportunity for me to start a new adventure. Today, I will stay positive by continually reminding myself that today is a new day. I can do with it what I please. I think I will go home after work and take the puppy for a long walk. It’s been a long time since I have been able to clear my head.
Why do I always underestimate myself? Less than two days ago, I felt that my stomach would turn inside out and my heart would shrivel up. Yet here I am, seeing the world with wide eyes and an open mind. That’s not to say I don’t have dark moments, but I am continually reminding myself how easy it is to idealize the past. Instead of thinking about what went wrong and what I could have done, I must focus on the present. Today, I will focus on the present by taking it one moment at a time. I will not think about the past or the future - just today.
The pain of breaking up hits me like a train. One moment, I am standing on the track, making my way through the peaceful air with no train in sight. Then, before I can react, a train comes speeding from behind and hits me with full force. I am not sure which is worse - being hit by the pain or surviving the impact. Such emotional invincibility astounds me. How can a heart take so much turmoil yet still yearn for love? Today, I realized the inevitability of moving on. I tried to hold onto him, but he was aboard the train that ripped right through me. I wish I could hate him so I wouldn’t feel these sporadic bouts of intense pain, but I read a quote by Eli Wiesel that stated “The opposite of love is not hate; it is indifference.” I know that a full recovery is not imminent, but I know that I am capable of reaching the indifference I so badly desire. I have done it before, and I am capable of doing it again. This time I will move on to find the love I need - love for myself.